Kids Birthday Party Gifts

March 5, 2018Leave a comment

With Bode’s 1st birthday right around the corner. T has had many questions surrounding birthday parties, gifts, etc. This is likely going to lead to several posts, but we decided to start with the birthday party gifts. Or as M likes to say……….

Stuff, Stuff, and More Stuff.

M: I’m sure you have figured out by now that I am generally a party pooper. This is pervasive in all aspects of my life. Probably comes (in part) from the fact that I am pretty much exhausted all the time and, yet, always adding more to my schedule. In any event, here is another area in which I could be perceived as a party pooper – birthday party presents.

T: For somebody who consistently tells me I am from the “grouchy family” M can sure be Oscar the Grouch.

M: *eye roll* This post isn’t mean to be about family birthday presents – we are talking about presents at a birthday party. I have often been at Target looking for a reasonable gift for a child I do not know at all (and do not know the parents either). I’ve gone to birthday parties with my child only to see 40 – no joke – birthday presents for the 2 or 3 year old. Seriously, who wants that much stuff????? Even when they are 5 and in school, do you really want your child to get so many new things at once? Do you want that stuff in your house?

M: So what should you do? We have dealt with this in a few different ways. First of all, we don’t have birthday parties until they are in school and actually KNOW some of their friends. Even when one daughter turned 4, we had one special friend go to one special place with us. It was much more meaningful and fun.

T: I feel like most of my birthday parties were limited in the number of guests invited. But now it is so common to invite the kids entire class to the party: a) that’s a lot of gifts and b) what do you buy for a kid your kid doesn’t know or play with often. At that point you end up having to buy something totally random and hope for the best. I know it shouldn’t be about the gift but the thought, but that’s part of the problem. There is NO thought going into these gifts.

M: Exactly! For us, we often give the kids a choice of a big birthday party with lots of friends and no gifts or a smaller party with close friends and gifts are acceptable. Once they have good friends, buying gifts makes a lot more sense. Your child has an idea of what their friends like or want and they WANT to give them something that’s picked just for them. I will sometimes “bribe” my kid with an extra gift from us (the parents) in exchange for a bunch of gifts from friends (when they want a bigger party).

T: Lately I have seen a lot of parties where the kids donate the toys or ask for donations to something in particular. That may be more of the parents forcing that issue but it’s a great lesson for the kids! In the alternative, prior to a birthday you could ask your kids to find toys that they no longer play with to donate. For instance, if your kid is turning 7 they have to find 7 things they no longer play with that can be donated.

M: We have definitely gone this route. We have had parties where people bring a book to be donated to a charity – and, of course, the donation is optional because I don’t want people to stress out before our parties.

T: I think that’s a great alternative

M: Here is another problem with so many gifts, thank-you notes. We are thank-you note writers. (OK, so I am and I force my children to be because I believe in holding on to some semblance of etiquette, though I know it’s waning.)

T: Me too!

M: Either my kids dictate the note to me and I write, or they painstakingly write the note themselves. We are not doing those pre-printed ones either. To me, if someone spent their money on a gift for me or my child, the least we can do is acknowledge it in writing.*

(*footnote – I have a child who is the world’s worst speller and I do allow him to type his thank you notes.)

T: For me I would expect Bode to hand write them, but honestly I would just be happy they got sent no matter what form they were in. Birthday parties, presents, and thank you notes are overwhelming to think about! I want Bode to have that fun experience and get the chance to open presents and stuff like that. But I also just think it’s a lot and I’m worried that it hurts people’s feelings who want to do something nice.

M: Hmmm….I have never worried about people’s feelings getting hurt because I say no gifts. In fact, some people bring a gift anyway and I’m totally fine with that. (Though my kids HAVE complained when they have to write a thank you note after saying no gifts!) I personally love unexpected gifts from people and love to give unexpected gifts – especially when you find that perfect gift or you lift someone’s spirits with something small. I just think the gift giving at parties can be meaningless and excessive which isn’t good for the gift-giver or gift-receiver.

T: And it’s not to say that they can’t give a gift if they want to, you’re really just asking them not to feel obligated true?

M: Haha i mean when I say no gifts I mean no gifts ;). But true, I would never make my kid turn down a gift because I had written no gifts on the invitation.

Humble Parenting

February 2, 2018February 2, 2018Leave a comment

M: I feel extremely lucky to have already had numerous nieces and nephews before I had kids. I got to see my siblings’ struggles with parenting and some of their successes and failures. We all still laugh with my sibling over their decision to say “it’s best that we not” instead of “no” to their kids. That lasted about 2 weeks. One child reaching for an electrical socket with a paper clip? Yeah, “it’s best that we not” didn’t have quite the effect of screaming “NO!!!”

One of the biggest things I gained from watching my siblings with their kids was to realize that there is a lot of luck involved. Sure, we have an influence over our kids – I am not arguing that you don’t – but each kid is different and a decent part of it is just the luck of the draw.

T: I have to agree with this. Although I am the first of my generation (in my family) to get married and have kids, I have 16 first cousins on M’s side alone and am the oldest of 4 kids. I am certainly no expert but I do feel I have been exposed to way more than most first time moms have.

M: If I hadn’t had the experience with my nieces and nephews, I would have thought I was mom of the year with my first born – and possibly with my second as well. I would have been preaching all kinds of advice for other people. We are amazing parents! Look at us! This parenting thing is not so hard at all!

T: Wait….I’m not mom of the year? 😉

M: Luckily, we both know better. Some kids are easy, some kids are more challenging, some kids have more “personality” (I’m being nice here), some kids are more difficult from the day they are born. We can help to try to sway them and we can certainly help by using rules, discipline, etc. (a free-for-all rarely turns out well when it comes to raising kids). But if you have a difficult kid, it’s likely not your parenting that is making them that way.

T: Not going to lie I am absolutely terrified of having a second. I know that the second child could be great, but the second in my family was a terror. And my dad is the second….also a terror. But my 9 month old has been such a chill baby that it can’t possibly be this easy a second time around.

M: Well hold on! None of this is not to say that you just throw in the towel. It’s important to pay attention to the different needs of each child. I have found that each of my kids needs a different type of parenting. My first born is a rule follower. There is no need to yell, no need to harp on mistakes, no need to be overly strict. She listens to advice (so far), believes in moderation in all respects, and worries about her future. (When my daughter was about 8 years old, she asked her brother why he didn’t save his money. She asked “aren’t you worried about things like taxes, insurance, and other expenses?” Where do kids come up with this stuff?) Others of my kids are not affected by yelling, are ready to push the rules, and need to have emotional breakdowns. I don’t have them all figured out and don’t know what to do with each one – I just know that they are different, they each need different things from me, and when they are being more difficult, it’s likely not my fault. I’m just trying to do my best for each one. I also know that I’m likely messing up some of the times. That’s OK. There is no perfect way to parent and no one way to parent. Do your best and take the pressure off yourself.

T: You always make me feel so much better about messing up. I think one of the best things I’ve learned from you and the other moms in our family is to not sweat the small stuff. I’m still getting to know my son and he’s getting to know me and there are going to be a lot of bumps in the road. And knowing those bumps will be continuing for the foreseeable future…probably more like ever…helps keep me humble. But it does also make me feel good to know when I get things right and can say “Man I #crushed parenting today.”

M: And that’s great! All this is really to say, enjoy your successes – you need them to feel better about the failures. Just don’t get cocky. When things are going well, be humble because you never know when another kid will be ready to knock you off your parenting pedestal. We are all in this together and almost all of us will have our issues with our kids at some point.

T: I also think this is really important to keep in mind as you look at the moms around you. Everyone is in the SAME boat. That meltdown at Target is not their idea of fun and they aren’t letting their kid cry on the plane just because it’s fun. They are trying to figure it all out as much as we are. When my angel baby smiles, waves, and flirts with all of the girls at the restaurant I enjoy it…and also privately brace for a meltdown that could occur literally at any moment…with no notice…because I didn’t serve him bean dip fast enough (#truestory).

Hang in there mamas. Without the bad days you wouldn’t appreciate the good ones. And when you are really at a breaking point just know that it’s a moment and it’s not forever. Do what you can, hope for the best, and try to enjoy the ride!

Happy Parenting

Xoxo, T&M

Trusting your “Mom” Instincts

November 27, 2017Leave a comment

What are mom instincts? Do you have them? Do you learn them? Do they magically appear during pregnancy?

M & T share the same pediatrician (who also treated T when she was younger!). He loves to say “what does your heart tell you?” WELL I DON’T KNOW THAT’S WHY I’M ON THE PHONE WITH YOU! It’s hard to know what the right thing is. If only your babies could talk to you!

He does address a valid point though. Nobody knows your child better than you do. So you are in the best position to evaluate the situation. The problem here is that babies don’t come with instruction manuals, and you are thrown straight into the deep end the second you leave the hospital doors. Most of us aren’t medical professionals either, so how do we know when something is wrong? How do I recognize these supposed “instincts” I have? Does my baby have a cold or is it an ear infection? Is baby motrin enough or does he need a prescription? He’s not eating, am I starving my baby? Navigating the waters of a happy healthy baby, and worse the waters of a sick, grumpy, angry baby, is H-A-R-D.

You hear stories of moms who knew something was wrong with her baby even when doctors kept telling her everything was fine. THOSE mom’s had strong instincts and fought for their babies. (M says – or do they always think something is wrong and they just happened to be right this time?) So where are my instincts? Will they come if that situation presents itself? Those moms always seem like super heroes, am I a super hero somewhere deep down?

From T’s perspective she’s parenting in a new world of technology and helicopter parents. It can be hard to find, and then trust, these instincts. With the onslaught of information available to her and the constant “shaming” from other moms, it is easy to lose sight of her gut feeling and start second guessing herself. To be fair most everyone has the babies best interests at heart, but with several people giving you advice (often unsolicited) it can be hard to trust yourself or to know what is right for you and your baby.

M has this to say: Just wait until they get big and then you REALLY doubt yourself! I have been close to tears when a child was falling apart because I just wanted to know what to do. I wanted a child psychologist in the car with me to tell me tough love was the way, or a big hug was the way, or a day off of school was the way. The truth is there is no one way and we are all messing up all the time. You just hope your mistakes aren’t the giant ones. Kids are resilient – even little bitty babies. I think most everyone has an instinct, but in the age of information, it’s hard to trust yourself. So, ask around, gather information, and then do what YOU feel is right. Generally a decision does not have to be made on the spot, so don’t worry about taking some time. (NOTE – there are some decisions where time is of the essence, but that is a conversation for another day.)

Really, for T it’s going to come down to practice and getting it wrong and, at times, even getting it right. She’ll learn from the failures and be emboldened as a mom by her successes. She’s not sure she fully trusts her instincts, but they are there and she’s learning. Most importantly she needs to trust herself and not apologize for disagreeing with family and friends who think she should care for her son differently. You have to do right by you and your child because it is the only way you will be happy at the end of the day. GET THE ADVICE! It never hurts to hear other perspectives, and it helps you learn. But, at the end of the day you make your OWN decision and stand strong.

After 5 kids M doesn’t worry as much about the health issues, it’s more the parenting struggles and decisions. Luckily, M is generally not a worrier, which helps a lot. Of course, having 5 kids helps because who has time to worry?!

Both of us (and ALL parents) are really just making it up as we go. You’ll learn to trust yourself along the way, and find what’s right for you! Until then, we will continue sharing what we’ve learned and hopefully putting you at ease knowing you aren’t alone in this. EVERYONE is struggling with parenting in some way ( or all ways 😉 ).

xoxo, T & M

Annual Family Games, a Tradition

November 21, 2017November 21, 2017Leave a comment

The holiday season is full of family traditions. Our family has done practically the exact same thing for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and Birthdays for as long as we can remember. And we really wouldn’t have it any other way. But about 6 years ago T came up with a brilliant idea…..to host an Annual Family Games competition! What an excellent tradition this turned out to be.

Our family is naturally quite competitive, so she knew everyone would be on board. To be fair, this isn’t so much a Thanksgiving or holiday tradition as it is an annual event, but this years games fall on the Friday after Thanksgiving! (We try to alternate between summer & winter games) So, it’s the perfect time to share with y’all.

How did this all begin? Well, T was reading Martha Stewart Living and Martha suggested some fun family games to do over the Fourth of July. It was just a few games, but T thought this was something she could work with. It had been a hard year for our family, as we had recently lost T’s sister, so what better way to lift spirits and bring the family together than some friendly competition!

This quickly turned into more than just your average family get together. T researched minute to win it game rules and included games she remembered from her elementary school Field Day. We made posters with “sponsors”, we decorated, we bought all of the supplies….and then it came time to draw teams. M is one of 7 kids, among them are 20 grandkids ranging in ages from 3-30 and 1 great-grandkid. We divided the names of the adults among four teams and then the names of the grandkids among the four teams. The Teams have really gotten a life of their own. Originally, the teams were four colors. Now the four team names are themed (for example: Christmas themed, Disney themed, etc.) The teams have also gotten into the spirit as the team “captains” order or make “uniforms” to show their team spirit.

Of course with the announcement of the teams comes loads of complaints. Some even made trade offers. But once the teams are set it’s time for some friendly banter and preparation for the games.

The game day schedule is as follows:

8:00-8:45 a.m. – Breakfast of Champions and team flag decorating

8:50 a.m. – Running of the torch/lighting of the Flame

9:00 a.m. – Opening Ceremonies and the Parade of Champions

9:15 – Games begin

Noon – Lunch and Crowning of the champions

Breakfast of Champions consists of super healthy foods like Lucky Charms, Wheaties, and cinnamon rolls. All that sugar will get your energy up so you are ready to go. Honestly, most of the families don’t make it for this part (it’s an early start so we are done before football games start). During this time, each team is provided materials to make a flag to carry during the opening ceremonies.

Moving on, what are Family Games without a torch run? Using a cutout of a torch, we take the younger kids down the block and spread them out along the way. When it’s time, the first kid takes off and hands off the torch as they reach the next kid. This continues until the last kid carries the torch into the house where our master of ceremonies is ready to turn on our gas fire place the moment the Flame is placed at its base. The flame lighter is typically, but not always, the youngest competitor.

This signals the beginning of our games and the opening ceremonies begin. Music is played as the teams parade around the pool waving at each other and all of the “spectators”. This is perhaps the silliest, but also T’s favorite, part of the event.

Now it’s time for the games. We have a master of ceremonies who directs everyone to each game station. (We will do a post about the specific games after this week’s 5th Annual Family Games.) But, they are typically minute to win it games or games you would find at a kid’s field day. We have games such as: watermelon seed spitting, pin the face on the potato head, leisure diving, relays, junk in the trunk, pyramid building, word games, etc. Really we could do several posts on the specific games. M’s parents (a.k.a. grandparents, and great-grandparents) serve as additional referees if needed.

The games get very competitive and there is an endless onslaught of trash talking. But you can tell everyone is having a blast the entire time. There may even be some mild “cheating” going on. The point is for everyone to be together having fun, so who cares! The Master of Ceremonies keeps score and an alleged winner is announced. Nobody just “wins” Family Games because they will perpetually be accused of cheating, having a stacked team, or getting the rule book ahead of time.

The Annual Family GAmes has been such a great activity to bring family together, get kids and parents outside, and have old fashioned fun. It can be extra hard these days to pull them away from phones, TV, video games, etc. But if you can just get them out the door they will forget all about the shiny electronics (at least until the games end).

We will be sure to fill you in on how the 6th Annual Family Olympics turns out. What are some of your favorite family traditions?

Happy Thanksgiving!

T & M

T&M's Insights on Parenting

Living, Learning, and Making it up as We go

Tag: Parenting